Saturday, January 12, 2008

"You appear to be thriving!"

I was so tickled when my aunt, in her uniquely candid but loving way, made that observation of me last October. After years of being relatively out of touch, we had gotten close through phone conversations during the preceding months as she courageously journeyed through surgery, radiation, and chemo for lung cancer. As I have gotten to know my aunt at this point in life, from a very new vantage point, I have learned so much from her about living independently, about being short on expectations but long on gratitude, about having faith and facing fears, and maybe most of all, about knowing and honoring oneself. I have come to truly treasure her presence in my life.

Above all, I love Aunt Karen's keen observations of the world around her and her candor in calling 'em as she sees 'em. So when she told me I ‘appear to be thriving,’ I had to laugh. I felt joyful - victorious, even. I chuckled because I knew that, in general, my family worries about my lack of outward “success.” They know the last five years have been a turbulent and challenging time for me, with life as I knew it unraveling completely. They’ve been concerned at my commitment to follow my heart and stick to my spiritual guns, despite the financial wolves constantly nipping at my heels. In short, they shake their heads and wish I’d come to my senses.

What they perhaps don’t realize is that coming face to face with my deepest, darkest fears also precipitated intense and accelerated spiritual awakening. That while paradoxically things look bleak on the outside, my “work” and solace is always within. And while it may appear that I’m not “doing” anything, I am setting in motion a whole new life for myself – changing my future moment by moment by vigilantly monitoring my thoughts and vibration, by choosing to make conscious contact with Something More my daily practice and highest priority. By coming into alignment with the eternal All that I Am, at least more of the time and certainly more intentionally.

Which is what, I believe, Aunt Karen was responding to. That intangible sparkle of vibratory alignment with one’s purest essence. The calm center of a humble but joyful spirit. The deep peace of an awakened heart.

Of course, whether I'm acutally thriving is anybody's guess - I'm a work in progress like all of us. But I like to think I'm thriving more of the time than not, and that the snowball is rolling in the right direction. And I love Aunt Karen for planting that vision so firmly in my mind’s eye!

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